What I Don’t Want you to Know About Me, and Why I Want You to Know it
What don’t I want you to know about me? I’ve heard this question asked time and time again. What is it that you are afraid to put out into the world? What don’t I want people to know about me? Well I can think of a few things that I would prefer people not know about me, so what’s the point of actually sharing it?
I’m a person that loves learning about emotions, and a while back I read a book by Brene Brown, called I Thought it was Just Me (But it Wasn’t), talking all about shame, and how much pain we as humans can experience, because we are afraid to talk about the behaviors we are ashamed of. We end up feeling disconnected, alone, and isolated, because we were taught that certain behaviors were unacceptable, and that if we exhibit those behaviors than we should be ashamed of ourselves, or that it is reason to be shunned or rejected by the community… (or some version of this).
What Brene shares in this book however, is that “the most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy, is to share our experiences,” and open ourselves up to receive empathy. Doing this requires courage, as one of the main reasons we hold back to begin with, is because of fear. “Shame is about fear of disconnection”, she goes on to say, though ironically, from my own experiences, I’ve also found that feeling disconnected, was what led me to the behaviors that I felt ashamed of.
However, it is usually not until our emotions change from shame to something else (such as guilt), that we are able to step into our own power, and take the necessary stand that will help the behavior shift.
So where am I holding back? In my life, I have often struggled to feel connected to people. I’ve had friendships with people for over 10 years, and still wouldn’t say that they know that much about me. I’ve recognized that I’ve held back talking about my interests, my passions, and my own desires, because I felt like I wasn’t going to be accepted by the people that I cared the most about. This led me to feel fairly isolated, and disconnected, because I didn’t know how to find that common ground with the people that I wanted to connect with. Having conversations with people sometimes felt like a trap.
I wanted to get in there, open up, express myself, and really share my opinions, but I felt this heavy weight that caused me to hold back, ultimately reinforcing the belief that I wasn’t interesting, that they might not actually like me, and that I had nothing worthy to offer the conversation or the relationship, (harsh right?)
Well, it’s this pattern that has been my fuel these days, because as it turns out, I am really passionate about bringing people together, helping them relate, support each other, and most of all, feel accepted. I want to help people open up, feel free to share their deepest desires and darkest secrets, because I’ve seen and experienced the liberation that can follow in this process. I want to give people the opportunity to be seen for who they really are, to really step into their power and own what they’ve done, because this doesn’t make them who they are, it’s simply a step on the path to becoming our best and brightest selves.
Accepting our past, is a part of opening up to what we are really capable of.
So what exactly is it that I don’t want you to know about me? Well it’s not just that I’m nervous to talk to people, because I honestly think that’s something that a lot of people experience and don’t tell anyone about. The shame that I’ve experienced in the past was how I handled this nervousness. Which, more often than not, ended up being by turning to food. Most people wouldn’t think this about me, because I’ve been athletic for most of my life, but when I’ve felt nervous in the past (and wasn’t smoking weed or drinking), I would often turn to food as a way of distracting myself from the emotional spike that I would feel in social situations, or the boredom I would feel from not being in social situations.
What I don’t want you to know about me, is that I was bulimic for at least 3 years of my life, and would sometimes still turn to food as a way of comforting myself, long after the purging had stopped.
A few years ago I had taken a year to go travelling around the world. I went to places like Spain, Portugal, The United States, and Peru, and during this time I realized that I still turn to sugar sometimes when I’m feel stressed, isolated or bored. I would go from coffee shop to coffee shop, trying different beverages, and treats to keep myself entertained, (though in part, this was because I was on vacation and it was just what I wanted to do). However, there was this underlying feeling of shame, because I consider myself a health advocate, and yet here I was, writing an article on health, while eating my third pastry of the day, and sipping on my second cup of coffee.
In some ways it was because of this cycle that led me to develop such a strong interest in health. In other ways, I completely felt like a fraud; like I was trapped in the cycle, and more than anything, felt confused as to how I would find my way out.
On a deeper level I knew it was because I wasn’t really opening up to people, in the way that I wanted to, and that this was the only medicine I really needed to free myself from this cycle.
In new social groups I would watch other people who just met, share intimate and vulnerable details about themselves, as I stood back watching, wondering to myself, how I would ever reach that level of comfort as well.
So what exactly is the point of sharing this, and why do I want you to know this about me?
The first time I decided to reach out to someone and tell them I was bulimic I had this incredible shift happen. It was like this weight had been lifted. They listened empathically, were non judgmental, and still accepted me for who I was at that time. I had broken the veil, opened up, and interestingly enough, after I did that, it was just easier to open up about other things too. I started to be more myself with this person, and no longer felt the same urgency around the way I ate.
Within a few months after deciding to open up about being bulimic, I stopped the behaviors that I attributed with this label. I no longer turned to food for comfort, and I no longer purged.
When we feel like we have to hide something about ourselves, there is often a feeling of shame that comes along with it. Shame is more likely to reinforce our beliefs and behaviors, but empathy, helps us to truly stand in our courage, and let go, thus making it easier to change our behavior. Brene says that “most of our struggles stem from the same place- powerlessness and disconnection”, so I say, why don’t we take a leap, step into that fear and express what’s really going on within us.
The most liberating experiences I have ever had, were to confess my own emotional states and experiences to others, especially those I didn’t really know. It helped me shift and move emotions that I didn’t even know I was holding on to, releasing them, and allowing a feeling of freedom greater than anything I had ever experienced before.
This process reminds me a little bit like walking into a dark cave. Where you can’t see the other side, but someone told you there was this amazing waterfall on the other side of it. It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable walking through, because you stumble a bit, and don’t really know what you’re going to run into. However, I’ve always trusted that on the other side of that cave, is a little peace of paradise, and my faith hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
What is it that you’re really afraid of? What’s holding you back from being your true self? What is a story you tell yourself about who you are, that you’d like to let go of?
I believe that as a society we would do a lot better off with more safe spaces. Where we feel as though we can reach out for support, without being shamed. Even if that support is just a listening ear. I believe that we are stronger when we stand together, and that everyone just wants to be accepted. I believe that no one really wants to feel ashamed, or feel as though they won’t be accepted because of the things they have done in the past. Especially because most of these “shameful behaviors” were taught to us by society or our friends and families.
It’s all just programming that we’ve relied on in times of stress or uncertainly. Programming that told us we had to stay hidden. When really, it’s learning about our emotions that help us to free ourselves from them. Releasing the shame and fear, that help us to feel more bonded with others.
My dream, is that we can all practice a healthy way to experience our emotions. That we always feel as though we have the support we need, and most importantly, that we feel as though we can be our authentic selves. I know I wouldn’t have experienced the transformations that I have in my life, if it wasn’t for the community of support that I received during my times of transition. It was this trust that helped me to grow, and lean into my own edge. We can experience incredible things by leaning into our fears, but it’s hard to do this when we feel alone.
This is why, being a part of a supportive community makes this transition, infinitely easier.
If you’re a person, who like me, has suffered from feeling alone, isolated, or as though you don’t fit in, I’ve got good news, because there is an alternative available to you.
I am a part of an online community dedicated to helping people become their most authentic selves. This platform has been designed to help people realize their dreams and turn them into reality. It helps individuals open up to who they really are, so they can let go of the stories of who they think they’re supposed to be. It’s a place to let go of shame, welcome forgiveness, and take the next step towards creating the life you really want to live.
If you’d like to be a part of such a community, I invite you to join me at The Tribe.
Maybe you’re ready to fully invest and take action on the life you always knew you wanted. Maybe you’re looking for some support as you transition into a brighter version of yourself. Maybe you’re just looking to connect with other forward thinking individuals.
We’ve got something for everyone, and we want everyone to feel welcome.
These are changing times in the world, so why not take every opportunity you can to experience greater love, gratitude and abundance. If you have any questions about the tribe and how you can get involved send me a message at julia.x.warner@gmail.com.
I look forward to seeing you at www.thetribe.me
