Trauma and Addiction

I watched a really interesting documentary the other night about some research that Gabor Mate has done. “The Wisdom of Trauma,” described the relationship between trauma and addiction, and stated that Addiction is the result of unprocessed trauma. That we experience the most pain not because of the trauma itself, but because of our unwillingness to look at it, speak about it, and feel the emotions associated with it.

This information wasn’t new to me, and in fact is something that I have believed and have studied for more than a decade. It is common for the ego to associate with the trauma and experiences we have had in life, and for it to tell us that this is who we are. However, I have only found this to be true, when we separate ourselves from our spirit, from our soul, and see ourselves as separate from the collective.

This resonates for me for so many reasons. The first of which, being that I had a belief that I came from a family of addicts. I knew that all of my living grandparents had been alcoholics, and noticed other people in my family using drugs or alcohol as a crutch for their emotional experiences. When I was younger I had a fear that I would become an alcoholic too, or become addicted to something else. I thought these things were hereditary, but what I’ve sense learned, is that it is more environmental than hereditary.

To this day, I don’t consider myself a drinker. To be honest, I don’t really prefer the taste of alcohol, and it often makes my stomach hurt, even after only 1 drink. This makes me a bit of an odd ball in my family, but I honestly feel very proud to be on this path. However, this doesn’t mean that I am without addiction, or more specially, a habit of treating my emotional pain with drugs or substances.

The first substance I ever used to “treat” my emotional pain, was sugar. I would often sneak sugary snacks because it allowed me to experience a rush, that quelled the boredom and loneliness that I felt so often as I was growing up. About a year after my cousin passed away I also started smoking weed, even though I was only 13 at the time. In high school I had stopped smoking weed, but turned once more to food, as I fought an eating disorder I had been developing.

For much of my life I felt hidden, silently suffering, trying to play perfect, instead of reaching out, by being honest and authentic with those that were around me. I created a lot of pain and suffering for myself at this time, ironically because I didn’t want others to know I was suffering. But I was, and the more I tried to hide it the worse it got. After my grandmother passed away when I was in university, I had started smoking weed again, only this time it was daily. I had given up the eating disorder my first year of university, when I started an intimate relationship. I believe in part because I was allowing myself to be more open and expressive, and actually communicating my emotions, rather than trying to stuff them down.

However, with the loss of another loved one, I didn’t feel fully equipped to handle this kind of pain, and ended up pushing away the relationship, and trading it in for weed. While, currently in my life, it is a goal of mine to feel as though I no longer need substances, and can be completely open and expressive, I would say is it still a path I am working towards. Sometimes I still feel called to drink coffee, smoke weed, or eat sweets, especially when I know they are around. However, what has changed for me over the years, and with the training I have received, is that I am no longer as hard on myself for these habits, as I am working on them daily, and because I know I am moving towards a place of unconditional love and the acceptance of optimal health.

Part of this shift took place for me, when I allowed myself to be grateful for these experiences, and to really look at, how they have improved my life. In fact every “negative” thing that has happened in my life has been beneficial in some way, because it helped me to develop a deeper relationship to myself, my soul, and to God. I still don’t consider myself religious, but I will say that because of my willingness to dive inward, I now have a much deeper connection and understanding of God, than I ever have before.

Developing this relationship with myself, has allowed me to have faith in my own healing. It has allowed me to dream bigger than I ever have before. It has allowed me to trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be, and that I couldn’t have done anything differently. It has allowed me to forgive fully those who have hurt me, including myself. It has allowed me to really look at myself, and my own life, and to take responsibility for whether or not I am showing up in the best possible way, and the way that is most aligned with my values.

I had a lot of resistance around speaking about God, because of the Catholic background that I had. When I was growing up, I was actually embarrassed that I had to go to church every Sunday, because none of my other friends did. I didn’t like the God they spoke about in the bible, and I felt it was a very limiting narrative, that was used primarily to control people. It didn’t feel aligned to me, and it wasn’t something I resonated with.

It wasn’t until years later, after graduating university that I started to develop a deeper understanding of God. In fact it was my recognition that my drug use and food habits were getting out of hand, that caused me to check in, and acknowledge that the way I was doing things, just wasn’t working. In essence, it was my pain, and willingness to surrender, that led me closer to God.

I started to practice meditation, and experienced a stillness in my mind that had never existed before. There were no thoughts, and no stories. Just a pure white light, and an experience that I was floating. I couldn’t even feel my body. This was the first experience I had, that let me know that I am not my body and I am not my mind.

I felt called to go deeper, to continue to become the best, most loving version of myself. This intention led me to try ayahuasca for the first time in 2016. From this experience, I was able to clearly connect with a lot of what I’ve learned about current day from Gabor Mate. The spirit of the Ayahuasca medicine, often referred to as mother Ayahuasca because of her feminine essence, helped me to connect with my inner child, heal some of my past traumas and recognize where I was still holding onto anger in my life.

I have continued on with my healing, since that time, recognizing that the more gentle and loving I can be with myself, the more I can have this energy with everyone I encounter. In 2019 I experienced another trauma when I decided to have an abortion. This was probably the hardest experience I had gone through in my adult life, but even now I feel grateful for the decision I made, because I recognize that it allowed me to, once again, develop a deeper relationship to myself, my family, my friends, and yes to God.

This world isn’t what I thought it was when I was growing up. The experiences I have had, the work I have done has allowed me to see the world from a different perspective. More loving, more divine. Of course I still come up against resistance, and I’m still working on putting myself out in the world. However, I am much more accepting of who I am, and much more willing to help others do the same. Once upon a time, I would have never said I had a relationship with God, but now, it’s undeniable for me because I understand that God is everything. We are all God, but it is when we resist this, fail to connect with our own spirit and ability to love, that we create suffering for ourselves, and ultimately the world around us.

This is my truth, and I’ve been afraid to speak it for a while, because I didn’t want to be seen as weird or crazy, but what I’ve realized is that I’d rather be seen as crazy, and actually love myself and others, than be seen as normal, silently suffering, and hiding away from the world.

What is a truth that you’re afraid to express? What are you hiding from the world? What pain is asking to be looked at, so you can finally feel it, and LET IT GO. We often believe that if we feel our pain, we will get stuck in it forever, but really it is our avoidance of this pain, that causes it to persist. In what ways are you ready to move on with you life, and live from a truly aligned place? Let me know in the comments down below. I believe we are moving towards a greater place of peace and love on earth, and it all starts with you, and me, and the decisions and actions that we make every day.

Much peace and love my brothers and sisters.