Calming the Inner Critic

My journey around spirituality actually started out around food as well. I believe the way we eat can actually be one of the biggest blocks we as a human race face, regarding how deep we can go into our spirituality.

In most cases, this is where people get stuck. In the food, and the physical. While not all physical ailments we face are because of the food we eat, I would argue that in many cases the food we eat plays a large part in making us sick.

Many people I know, myself included get caught up around the food aspect. Knowing that we should and could be eating healthier, but feeling unable to stop the habits we have.

This one really hits home for me, as I have, in my life, put a lot of pressure on myself to eat a certain way. While I had struggled with bulimia earlier on in my life, it wasn’t until my first ayahuasca ceremony that I got the message to stop eating sugar.

That was almost 7 years ago. The difference was, when I got the message in ceremony, it was less about my looks and how I wanted to be perceived, and more about, how do I want to feel, and what do I want to support in this world?

I still haven’t stopped eating sugar, though this year is probably the best I have come so far. Through this journey I’ve dove a lot into the why? Why can’t I seem to stop? Why do I keep eating these foods that I know are unhealthy, and make me sick, and feel shitty?

First the answer was the addiction.

That processed foods are addictive.

Then of course how available they are, sugar is in almost everything, and especially while traveling, sometimes it’s virtually impossible to find food that is free of any processing.

However, there’s a deeper why that I’m going to focus on now, and it has to do with building security, complex trauma and inner child work. (Vulnerability disclosure)

I have put a lot of pressure on myself over the last 7 years to be the change I want to see in the world, and to live the lifestyle I want to see others living. To be an inspiration, so to speak.

However, I’m still human, and since giving up weed and alcohol 7 months ago, sugar and caffeine, has been a bit of a coping mechanism for me at times.

Whenever this would happen, I would feel a deep sense of shame, feeling that I’m not living out my purpose, I’m a fraud, I’m not enough etc. etc. etc.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner healing, inner child work, reparenting etc. around this, and something interesting came up for me yesterday.

1. It was the realization of how I was actually speaking to myself. How much pressure I was actually putting on myself. How harsh and judgemental my own inner critic was. That voice wasn’t rewarding me for being 7 months sober, it was criticizing me for eating peanut butter toast, and a handful of chocolate easter eggs.

I’ve often known this voice was there, but sometimes she’s embedded so deeply, that I don’t actually hear the words, I just feel them on the subconscious level.

2. The second thing I realized yesterday after watching a video a client had sent me, was that for most of my childhood, especially when I was at my babysitters, I would spend my time alone, playing by myself. I realized that meal times, were often the main time that I would actually associate with other people.

This realization brought so much understanding as to why I would eat in the ways I do sometimes. I have always known that food and socialization went together, that often when we’re craving certain foods we actually want community or excitement.

However, I hadn’t fully connected with how deprived I was of this socialization as a child, except during meal times. This is when I would interact with other people, or at least they would be in the same room as me.

No wonder it’s been so hard to give up the junk food, there is an inner child inside of me who has been so deprived of human contact, and who has a strong association with people and eating.

Sometimes when she was eating was the first time she got to interact with others. Which is why it sometimes feels like giving up sugar isn’t just a food, it’s giving up connection.

I’ve often considered myself a high performer. However there’s generally something that comes up, when I’m about to see success, that will sabotage me. The more I’m doing this work, the more I’m realizing that it has been my inner critic, who never fully learned how to connect with others.

She believes I’m not enough, and often berates me to do better, however this is not the loving foundation that will create deeper security, loving relationships and prosperity.

So this week, I’m making it my mission to be very gentle with myself. Be very aware of my inner language. Be very compassionate with myself as I am growing and developing.

Rather than focusing on where I want to be, pressuring myself, and feeling frustrated for not being where I want, I’m going to connect with that inner part of myself, that just wants some love and affection, and let her know how wonderful she really is.

What are you willing to do this week to send yourself some extra love, nurturance, and self compassion?

Much Peace and Love

Julia

P.S. If you’re new to this journey, or perhaps want a little extra support along the way, I’ve got a program coming up in June that will help you dive deeper into your patterns and shift them in a loving, and permanent way.

You can get far on your own, however, it is in relationships with other people, especially other supportive and understanding people, that you really experience the deeper shifts.

Fill out the form below, and we’ll book a conversation to discuss how “Becoming Secure” will help you impact your life.

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